Let Go, Move On
The title of this post may be a simple and hackneyed phrase, but I suppose I've adopted it as my mantra these days.
For awhile I was mired in the lesser known "quarter-life crisis" so many of my contemporaries seem to have also encountered. For a year and a half, the most recent six months especially, I've felt stuck in place, knowing I was unhappy but too complacent to do anything about it.
About a month ago, I made a trip to the East Coast. I set out to spend 2 days in New York City, 2 in Philadelphia, and 2 in Washington D.C. Although I had a friend to visit in each of these cities, I traveled alone and spent most of the trip by myself. I haven't traveled much in my life, so I'm just now realizing its value. Being "outside myself" and "within myself" - in completely new and unfamiliar places but in my own company - had an effect on me that is hard to explain. I had high expectations for this little vacation, but I had no idea that it would change my life.
I came back to L.A. a "new man" with "new eyes." It felt like I had been gone for a month, and I was nearly ecstatic to see a palm tree at the Long Beach Airport, not to mention the great expanse of the Harbor Freeway with the brightly-lit cluster of modern high-rises we identify as "downtown" in the distance. But I realized something: L.A. is "ugly." I had been to three great cities where automobiles did not overwhelm the cityscape, where the timeless practices of urban design and civic art had not been abandoned, and where buildings were meant to be looked at and admired by pedestrians. The so-called "boulevards" of L.A. are designed to be viewed at a speed of at least 35 miles per hour, and they're not very attractive at that. I do love L.A. and accept it for what it is, but I can't say after 8 years I'm convinced it's "the" place for me. I think it says a lot that since graduating from USC I've chosen to live in 2 of only a handful of the dense, diverse, and urban neighborhoods in L.A. where I can walk to stores, restaurants, and a subway (well, "the" subway). Why not go live in a city where most of the neighborhoods meet that description? Where I can walk down the streets, feel the energy of human enterprise, and not feel threatened by the horseless carriage - where I can sit at a sidewalk cafe and not choke on exhaust fumes - where I can be uplifted by statues and public squares? I've always been an "urban" person, but having grown up in Phoenix, it's taken me a long time to realize what "urban" is and what environments appeal to me most.
I have decided I will leave L.A., not now or even soon, but decidedly so. I can always come back, and may. I want to move to the East Coast and see if I can handle weather different than the "eternal spring" here and not be obligated to own an automobile. But I realize I don't want another job out there, it's time to take a break from working. I can either be a bum, or I can be a grad student, the next best thing. The only problem with this plan is that I'm putting the cart before the horse in the sense that I'm going to grad school so I can live on the East Coast and take a break from work; not entirely sure what it is I should study. Law has crossed my mind and is quite compelling, but I need to take some time and really think through what kind of higher education will get me closer to my goals.
There have been countless realizations and decisions since then, but they are grist for future posts.
Today, though, I came to a realization that shook me but liberated me. I do not want to be a Zoning Enforcement Officer in Florence-Firestone anymore. In fact, I want to get out of code enforcement althogether - I'm "over it." On Graduation Day from USC in 2001 I would never have concieved that I would go on to do this job for nearly 4 years, enjoy it immensly, and be very successful at it, but if an envoy from the future told me this I would probably say it wasn't my dream job, it wasn't my ultimate plan. I realize that if I stay in place, the next steps are to be the Assistant Manager, then Manager, of the entire Zoning Enforcement Section - I don't want to be either of those. I feel I have gone as far as I can with code enforcement, it's become less and less "fun" and more and more stressful and demoralizing each day, so it's time to wrap up this experience before I loathe waking up in the morning and going to work.
Now I have to make some choices and decisions about my career and I can't pretend that some will have implications and consequences that might not be entirely pleasant. But I have to take a stand and be an advocate for what's in my best interest; no one else will do it for me. It's time to take responsibility for this and all other aspects of my life and to take action. The last 6 months I've been unhappy but inactive, allowing myself to sink deeper into self-pity and self-destructive behavior. I want that to be over. It's time to let go, move on.
For awhile I was mired in the lesser known "quarter-life crisis" so many of my contemporaries seem to have also encountered. For a year and a half, the most recent six months especially, I've felt stuck in place, knowing I was unhappy but too complacent to do anything about it.
About a month ago, I made a trip to the East Coast. I set out to spend 2 days in New York City, 2 in Philadelphia, and 2 in Washington D.C. Although I had a friend to visit in each of these cities, I traveled alone and spent most of the trip by myself. I haven't traveled much in my life, so I'm just now realizing its value. Being "outside myself" and "within myself" - in completely new and unfamiliar places but in my own company - had an effect on me that is hard to explain. I had high expectations for this little vacation, but I had no idea that it would change my life.
I came back to L.A. a "new man" with "new eyes." It felt like I had been gone for a month, and I was nearly ecstatic to see a palm tree at the Long Beach Airport, not to mention the great expanse of the Harbor Freeway with the brightly-lit cluster of modern high-rises we identify as "downtown" in the distance. But I realized something: L.A. is "ugly." I had been to three great cities where automobiles did not overwhelm the cityscape, where the timeless practices of urban design and civic art had not been abandoned, and where buildings were meant to be looked at and admired by pedestrians. The so-called "boulevards" of L.A. are designed to be viewed at a speed of at least 35 miles per hour, and they're not very attractive at that. I do love L.A. and accept it for what it is, but I can't say after 8 years I'm convinced it's "the" place for me. I think it says a lot that since graduating from USC I've chosen to live in 2 of only a handful of the dense, diverse, and urban neighborhoods in L.A. where I can walk to stores, restaurants, and a subway (well, "the" subway). Why not go live in a city where most of the neighborhoods meet that description? Where I can walk down the streets, feel the energy of human enterprise, and not feel threatened by the horseless carriage - where I can sit at a sidewalk cafe and not choke on exhaust fumes - where I can be uplifted by statues and public squares? I've always been an "urban" person, but having grown up in Phoenix, it's taken me a long time to realize what "urban" is and what environments appeal to me most.
I have decided I will leave L.A., not now or even soon, but decidedly so. I can always come back, and may. I want to move to the East Coast and see if I can handle weather different than the "eternal spring" here and not be obligated to own an automobile. But I realize I don't want another job out there, it's time to take a break from working. I can either be a bum, or I can be a grad student, the next best thing. The only problem with this plan is that I'm putting the cart before the horse in the sense that I'm going to grad school so I can live on the East Coast and take a break from work; not entirely sure what it is I should study. Law has crossed my mind and is quite compelling, but I need to take some time and really think through what kind of higher education will get me closer to my goals.
There have been countless realizations and decisions since then, but they are grist for future posts.
Today, though, I came to a realization that shook me but liberated me. I do not want to be a Zoning Enforcement Officer in Florence-Firestone anymore. In fact, I want to get out of code enforcement althogether - I'm "over it." On Graduation Day from USC in 2001 I would never have concieved that I would go on to do this job for nearly 4 years, enjoy it immensly, and be very successful at it, but if an envoy from the future told me this I would probably say it wasn't my dream job, it wasn't my ultimate plan. I realize that if I stay in place, the next steps are to be the Assistant Manager, then Manager, of the entire Zoning Enforcement Section - I don't want to be either of those. I feel I have gone as far as I can with code enforcement, it's become less and less "fun" and more and more stressful and demoralizing each day, so it's time to wrap up this experience before I loathe waking up in the morning and going to work.
Now I have to make some choices and decisions about my career and I can't pretend that some will have implications and consequences that might not be entirely pleasant. But I have to take a stand and be an advocate for what's in my best interest; no one else will do it for me. It's time to take responsibility for this and all other aspects of my life and to take action. The last 6 months I've been unhappy but inactive, allowing myself to sink deeper into self-pity and self-destructive behavior. I want that to be over. It's time to let go, move on.
posted by Mitch Glaser @ 9:31 PM
2 comments
2 Comments:
Letting Go and Moving On is necessary. Recognizing when to Let Go and Move On is a gift.
And when the night is cloudy,
There is still a light that shines on me,
Shine on until tomorrow, let it be.
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